


a love like religion

by adamganseys



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Established Relationship, First Kiss, Fluff, Love Confessions, M/M, Miscommunication
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-25
Updated: 2015-11-25
Packaged: 2018-05-03 07:47:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5282621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adamganseys/pseuds/adamganseys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His voice was quiet when he said, “I still don’t understand why you picked me, of all people.” Adam had gotten better at it, little by little, better at accepting Ronan’s affection, sometimes even let himself believe that he was truly worthy, that maybe he did deserve this. But Ronan’s lips, the way he had just kissed him, not out of desire or lust, but each kiss a prayer instead, a litany, and the way he said this is what my dreams were like, his voice filled with reverence, with worship, as if he was speaking to his God – it had undone Adam. He couldn’t take it, whatever all of that was. He could never be worthy of that. It was too much. </p><p>*</p><p>(Or, the one where Ronan cooks Adam a romantic dinner, they cuddle a lot and it's super gross and sappy, Adam blurts out that he loves Ronan, and miscommunication ensues because they're stupid boys in love who don't know how to fucking talk to each other)</p>
            </blockquote>





	a love like religion

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is mostly just tooth rotting fluff, with a little bit of angst thrown in. It's disgustingly cheesy and sappy and I'm sorry. It's also ridiculously long and I don't even know how that happened. Also, I got carried away with my Adam/Gansey and Adam/Blue feelings, if you couldn't tell. Reviews would be super awesome. I was worried about getting Adam and Ronan's characterizations right (re: their insecurities especially) so feedback on that especially would be appreciated.

Adam Parrish had pictured what dating Ronan Lynch would be like, before it had even started. He hadn’t pictured it extensively, because he was still in that _denial_ stage and lingering on his feelings for Ronan too long wasn’t something he particularly wanted to do. But whatever he pictured, it didn’t even come close to the real thing.

What he pictured was this: hurricanes, fireworks, storms, everything loud and fast and overwhelming. Angry fights and lots of yelling, stability a foreign concept. Lust and desire and everything hot and wanting and rough and fast _._  

What it was actually like was this: gentle caresses and hesitant touches, soft kisses on the palms of his hands, a soft reassuring voice filled with _so much_ that he couldn’t take it. Comfort and peace and safety and _home_.

Adam supposed he really should have known better. He should have known that Ronan would never cease to surprise him.

 

*

 

Their first kiss had happened like this:

Adam and Ronan sat side by side on Adam’s mattress in his apartment above St. Agnes, textbooks on their laps, Adam attempting to explain a math concept or other to Ronan – probably in vain – but it seemed as if Ronan had zoned out completely, not listening to a word Adam was saying. Instead, he was staring at Adam’s face, his gaze intense. It took Adam a while to notice. When he finally did, he looked up from the textbook and into Ronan’s eyes. His eyes immediately dropped to Adam’s lips. Adam swallowed, flushing.

“What?” He asked. “Why’re you starin’ at me like that?” His Henrietta accent was thick and noticeable.

Ronan looked like a deer in headlights and opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it. Then opened it again, then closed it. Adam couldn’t believe it; Ronan Lynch was speechless.

Adam waited, and instead of answering him, Ronan glared at him, looking like he was going to start yelling at him or maybe punch him. Instead, he kissed him.

Adam froze.

It was the smallest of kisses, just a chaste peck on the lips, lasting no longer than a few seconds, though it felt like an eternity to Adam. Adam was completely still. He couldn’t move even if he wanted to.

Ronan pulled away, and when Adam dared to look at him, he saw that Ronan’s face was horrified.

“Fuck. Shit. Shit. I’m so sorry, Parrish, I shouldn’t have, I didn’t mean to… _Fuck_.” Adam wanted to reassure him, tell him that it was okay, but his mouth wasn’t working. He still couldn’t move, shocked into staying exactly as he was, possibly for the rest of his days. Ronan had immediately gotten up, put his books in his backpack, and ran out the door before Adam could even breathe. 

Adam didn’t sleep a wink that night.

For a whole week, Ronan avoided him. He only saw him when he was with the others, and Ronan made it a point to stand as far away from Adam as humanly possible. For the first few days, Adam allowed it, because he was shaken up and unsure, too. But finally, when Adam realized that he liked that Ronan had kissed him, and very much wanted it to happen again, Adam hesitantly attempted to approach Ronan many times. He failed every time, Ronan coming up with some excuse or other to not talk to him, to talk to Gansey or Blue or Noah instead, to leave the room. Adam was tired of it.

So, one night, at midnight, Adam barged into Monmouth Manufacturing, breezed past a very confused Gansey at his desk, went into Ronan’s room without knocking, and slammed the door behind him. Ronan looked up from his position on his bed where he was, as far as Adam could tell, staring at his hands and doing little else.

As expected, Ronan’s voice was angry. “Parrish, what the _fuck?_ What the hell are you doing here? And don’t you know how to fucking knock?”

“You’ve been avoiding me,” Adam said, his voice calm and quiet. 

Ronan scowled. “Fuck off, Parrish. I’m tired.” 

Adam didn’t fuck off. He walked to Ronan’s bed and sat on the right side, so his knees and shoulders were touching Ronan’s.

Ronan was looking down at his hands again, refusing to meet Adam’s eyes. He had stiffened at the contact. Ronan took a deep breath and let it out, slowly, and Adam thought he was going to yell at him again. Instead, he said, his voice miserable and ashamed, “I’m sorry.”

Adam nodded. “You should be, Lynch. You should be very sorry for leaving like that, without giving me time to say anything, and then avoiding me for a week. How was I supposed to kiss you again if you won’t even be in the same room as me without the others?”

Ronan sputtered, his face shocked and confused. “I- wait, what?”

Adam didn’t answer; he just leaned in and kissed Ronan, his hand cupping Ronan’s cheek, his other hand snaking at the nape of his neck, touching the short hairs on his shaved head. Ronan made a noise at that, and pulled back.

“I – you – what?” Ronan seemed to have lost the ability to form coherent thoughts.

Adam rolled his eyes. “If you’re still confused, I can kiss you again.”

Ronan swallowed. He took a deep, shaky breath again and looked Adam in the eyes. He seemed to be searching for something, his gaze wary. “I’m… I’m still very confused. So, you should definitely kiss me again.”

So Adam did. 

When he pulled away, they were both smiling.

 

*

 

It was two weeks after he and Ronan started dating that Gansey finally confronted him about it. They weren’t hiding it, not really. He knew Gansey knew and he knew that Ronan had had a brief, vague conversation about it. But Adam and Gansey hadn’t, not really, and Adam wasn’t sure how to bring it up. He didn’t know why he felt so strongly that they had to have an Official Talk about it; all he knew was that it was necessary for his peace of mind. Things with Gansey always felt like they could break at any moment, and though it was true that they were better now, fighting less and understanding each other more, Adam still felt like he needed to clear the air. Make sure they were okay.

It turned out, though, Adam didn’t have to figure out how to bring it up with Gansey. One Sunday, while Ronan was at church and Noah had disappeared for the day, Adam came over to Monmouth to help Gansey with some Glendower research. They were sitting side by side on the couch, Gansey babbling on about some theory; Adam had listened for a little bit, but he couldn’t help but zone out after a while. What Gansey was saying wasn’t nearly as interesting as thinking about Ronan’s lips on his lips, on his jaw, on his neck, his hands on Adam’s waist, in his hair, moving down his sides –

“Adam!” Gansey’s voice startled Adam, and he jumped noticeably. Gansey sighed. “Were you even listening to what I was saying?”

“Yes,” Adam lied, but he knew his extremely flushed face gave him away.

Gansey raised his eyebrows. “Thinking about Ronan?”

Adam sputtered. “I – yes – no – what?”

“Well, since you’re blushing to the very tips of your ears, I just assumed.”

Adam didn’t say anything. Gansey didn’t say anything. The silence weighed on them like a boulder. 

Gansey sighed again. Adam thought his cheeks seemed a little red too. “So,” he started, slightly awkward. “How… how is that going?”

Adam took a deep breath. “It’s good. It’s… really good.” 

“Good. I’m glad.” 

“Yeah.”

Silence, again. 

Adam decided to lay it all out. “I… meant to talk to you about it. When it first started. I just. Didn’t know how to, I guess.”

At that, Gansey turned to look him in the eye, his face concerned. “Were you – you weren’t worried that I would mind, would you? Because I wouldn’t – god, Adam, you know I would never –“ 

“No,” Adam said quickly. “No, it wasn’t that at all. I knew you would support us. I just… I don’t know. It just feels like something has changed. Something big. And it’s just hard to talk about. I don’t know.” The truth was, Adam hadn’t even really talked about what _this_ was yet with Ronan; he wasn’t sure he was ready to. And if he wasn’t ready to do so with Ronan, he sure as hell couldn’t with anyone else. 

It wasn’t that Adam had any misconceptions about what they were doing. A casual relationship, just _casually_ dating, everything being Not A Big Deal… that was always out of the question. Adam knew Ronan, and he knew them, what they were, Adam-and-Ronan, a contradiction that was right as anything could be. Adam knew Ronan never did anything half way; it was all or nothing for him, and Adam didn’t want or expect anything less. So, it was a relationship. They were together. Neither of them said it out loud, they didn’t really _need_ to, but they both knew it.

Still, knowing something, having an unspoken agreement of sorts, and actually _talking_ about it, putting voice to it; they were two very different things. Adam had a hard time wrapping his mind around the concept of Adam-and-Ronan even just to himself, so talking about it to anyone else – Ronan, Gansey, Blue – was definitely not an option just yet. 

Adam didn’t think Gansey quite understood what he was saying, but he nodded anyways. “Yes. Of course. Well, I just want you to know. I am…” he faltered for a moment, and his face lit up in a golden smile. “I am _extremely_ happy for the two of you.” 

Gansey’s voice held so much sincerity that Adam, overwhelmed, could do nothing but try to brush off the sentiment with a joke. “Well, thanks, Dick, I’m _extremely_ glad.” 

Gansey winced. “Don’t.” And Adam laughed. It was quiet for a few moments. 

“I mean it, you know.”

“I know.”

“I’m… really glad you two have each other. To make each other happy. I’ve noticed the changes. You smile more. Your laugh comes easier. So does Ronan’s. It hasn’t been that long but you two just seem…. lighter. And I am very glad for it.” 

Adam scoffed, his ears turning pink. “Don’t be a sap.”

Gansey’s gaze was intense, even as Adam looked away. “I’m not. I’m speaking the truth. It’s like… you two _saved_ each other.”

At first, Adam was indignant. Neither of them needing _saving_ or _rescuing_ , especially not him. They weren’t dependent on each other for air. Adam never wanted to be saved by anyone. He never wanted to be in a position of needing to be saved, never again. 

But, after a moment, Adam understood what Gansey meant. It was true. Both Adam and Ronan had battle scars – whether they were physical or emotional or both – and those scars would probably last them their lifetimes. They both had wounds that went deeper than most people could possibly know. And Adam wasn’t an idealist, he knew that they couldn’t just kiss each other’s bruises and make everything better. Neither of them could do the healing for each other.

But they could help speed up the process. They could be each other’s shoulders to lean on, arms to fall into, they could be each other’s safe place. And that’s exactly what they were. Because even before they started dating – and certainly after the fact – Adam’s smiles had started to come quicker around Ronan, his nerves and anxiety and fear lessened by his presence, the quiet sound of Ronan’s breathing beside his mattress almost turning into voices, whispering in Adam’s ear, _home home home_. And Adam knew, or at least he hoped, that Ronan felt the same way. 

“Yeah,” Adam said finally. “I guess we did, in a way.” 

After a few more moments of silence, Adam spoke again. “You did, too, you know.”

Gansey wrinkled his eyebrows. “Did what?” 

“Save me. Us. Save both of us.”

Gansey waved a dismissive hand, his face doubtful. “Please.”

Adam felt a rush of affection for his best friend, who worried that he wasn’t enough, wasn’t doing enough, worried that he had failed them. Adam wanted, _needed_ him to know that he was enough, was so much more than enough. That he was so much more than Adam deserved. Adam looked at him earnestly, forcing his friend, his stupid and kind and marvelous best friend, to return his gaze and _listen_ to everything he was to them. Adam wasn’t good with words, but he tried the best he could. “I mean it, Gansey. I wouldn’t – we wouldn’t be anywhere without you. Hell, we probably wouldn’t even be alive. You know that, right? You did everything for us. You saved us, too, maybe even more than we saved each other.” 

Gansey actually looked alarmed now. “Okay, Parrish, I believe you. Just don’t – alright, I believe you.” Apparently Adam’s sudden emotional outburst had freaked Gansey out. It freaked him out, a little, too. He wasn’t used to this, this expressive openness. But something felt changed, inside him. Something had opened up that day that he kissed Ronan back. Not opened all the way, maybe, but it was a step, and Adam felt freer, warmer, than he had before. 

Still, he was a little embarrassed at the sentimentality, so he laughed. “You’re not gonna cry, are you?”

Gansey made a disapproving noise. “Of course not.” But when Adam looked over, he could have sworn his eyes were glistening a little.

Gansey took a deep breath. “I’m…. that’s all I wanted, you know. To save you both. To help you both, however I could. You two being _happy_. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

Something ached in Adam’s chest, and despite his teasing Gansey just now, he felt his own eyes water up, just a little. He blinked a few times, fast. “I know, Gansey.”

Gansey smiled, and it was so bright and full of love that Adam wanted to look away. But he didn’t. He clenched his hand into a loose fist and slowly brought it up, and Gansey touched his knuckles to Adam’s, lightly, the slight gesture as familiar to Adam as his own name.

There was silence after that, and Gansey cleared his throat. “So, back to what I was saying about Glendower…” Adam shook his head and smiled to himself, ready to at least try to focus on what Gansey was saying this time.

The thing was, Adam Parrish had never had a family. It was a foreign concept to him, something he saw all around him but could never quite reach. He had accepted long ago that it would always be that way.

When Adam thought of family, he pictured a father ruffling his son’s hair in affection, a mother hugging her daughter tightly, unconditional love radiating from both of them.

Adam had never known family. What he knew was this: fists smashing into his body, loud voices booming into his ears yelling out words like _useless_ and _worthless_ and _disgusting_ and _weak_ , hate and pain and more hate and more pain, a vicious cycle.

Adam had parents, but he had never had a family.

Zoning out from what Gansey was saying yet another time, Adam let himself consider the concept of family again. Maybe family wasn’t just a mother and a father and their kids. Maybe, it could also be something like this: bumping fists with Gansey, Blue running her fingers through his hair and hugging him, lying side by side with Ronan on his tiny mattress, the five of them at Ninos laughing, probably at something ridiculous Gansey had just said, the smell of tea being prepared at 300 Fox Way, a friendship so consuming that it couldn’t possibly be entirely healthy but none of them cared, a sense of _belonging_.

And maybe it was this, just this: sitting on a couch with his best friend while he rambled on about something that wasn’t super interesting but Adam cared about it anyways, because Gansey loved it and Adam loved the way Gansey’s eyes lit up when he talked about something he loved.

Maybe, it was just this: their shoulders brushing and smiles being exchanged and knuckles touching and short quips and comfortable silences saying everything that they couldn’t say out loud.

Adam Parrish wasn’t born with a family, but sometimes, he felt like he had found one.

 

*

 

Currently, Adam sat on his mattress at St. Agnes, trying to focus on his homework. But that task was incredibly difficult when Ronan Lynch was sitting next to him, not trying to focus on his homework. Ronan preferred to focus on kissing Adam’s neck instead.

“Ronan.”

“Mm?”

“I have a test tomorrow.” 

“Mm.”

Adam sighed as Ronan’s tongue flicked over his collarbone. “I have a test tomorrow and – _fuck_ – and it’s. It’s really hard to focus on studying when you’re doing that.” 

“Good. You should be focusing on more important things, like kissing me back.”

“ _Ronan_ ,” Adam insisted, but there was no heat in it. 

Ronan sighed, and pulled away. “You’re so fucking boring, Parrish. What’s the point, anyways? You’re a goddamn genius. You already know everything. You’re going to get an A.”

It was true, Adam did know everything, but he needed to review the information as many times as he could before tomorrow morning. He needed an A+. Not an A, not an A-. He needed to do perfectly. “Yeah, well, I just want to make sure I—“ 

He was cut off by Ronan’s lips against his, hot and wanting. Adam groaned. Without pulling away from Ronan, he closed the textbook in his lap and threw it on the floor. He kissed Ronan back fiercely, his hands wrapping around his neck. Ronan’s hands were on his hips, lightly, hesitantly, moving under his t-shirt, but only a little bit. 

Though they had been dating for several weeks, they hadn’t _done_ anything, not really. Adam wasn’t ready, still hesitant and unsure about anything physical, intimacy a hard thing for him to accept and wrap his head around. The only touches he had known were rough and left him bruised and bloody, and sometimes he still had to remind himself that there were other types of touches that existed. 

Ronan understood, and probably would have understood without Adam even saying anything, because Ronan _knew_ Adam, better than anyone else had ever known him. Still, he felt the need to voice his concerns. When he finally did, nervously, shyly, a week and a half after their second kiss, lying next to Ronan on his bed at Monmouth, Ronan only leaned up on his elbow and kissed Adam softly on the forehead.

His voice was reassuring and gentle as he spoke. “Hey. Don’t worry. We can take it as slow as you want to.” After a few seconds, he added, a little sheepish, “Besides, Parrish. It’s not like I’m a paragon of experience. I’m not really ready for anything farther than second base, either.” Adam grinned at him, relieved to hear that. He figured Ronan would be ready a lot sooner than he would, but he knew that Ronan would never push him.

Adam forced himself out of his thoughts and back into the present. He whispered against Ronan’s lips, “Ronan.”

There must have been something in his voice, because Ronan pulled back, eyebrows furrowed. “Everything okay?” 

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m just. Tired.” It was true. It was only 11 pm, but he hadn’t gotten much sleep at all the past few days, and after convincing himself that he was as ready for the test as he would ever be, all he really wanted to do was close his eyes.

Ronan nodded, his expression softening. “Yeah, of course. You’ve been working overtime these past few days, haven’t you? And you’ve had a shitload of tests and essays due too. You should get some sleep. I’ll just, drive back to Monmouth.”

Adam’s voice was heavy with exhaustion. “Why’re you driving back? Just stay here.” He didn’t usually have to say this; it was almost always a given.

Ronan looked away, his voice complicated. “No, uh. I’ve got…. something to do at home. You’re still coming over to the Barns tomorrow after work, right?” 

Adam nodded. It was a Friday, and work ended early, so Ronan had invited him to the Barns to try to wake some sleeping cows and chill. Most likely, they would just end up making out the entire time.

“Great,” Ronan smiled at him, and it was so open and uninhibited and warm that Adam felt something tighten in his chest. “See you tomorrow, Parrish.” He pressed a kiss to his cheek, gathered his stuff, and was out the door.

 

*

 

At 7:30 pm the next day, after cleaning up from work and changing into something nicer, Adam drove out to the Barns. He knocked on the door of the main house, and as soon as he did, he heard a crash, and a voice hissing, “ _Fuck!_ ”

Adam frowned. “Ronan? You okay?”

Ronan didn’t answer, but after a few moments, he finally opened the door. His expression was displeased, almost nervous. “Parrish. You’re early.”

He shrugged. “Not that early.” 

He saw Ronan swallow. “Right.” He hadn’t moved from the doorway, his body and spread out arms taking up all the room so Adam couldn’t push through and enter.

“Uh… are you going to let me in, or—God, what is that _smell_?” Adam’s mouth watered as soon as the scent his nose.

“It’s – well,” Ronan sighed, running a hand over the back of his head and finally stepping aside. “Come in, loser.”

When Adam entered the massive kitchen, he didn’t entirely process what he was seeing. His mouth dropped open. “I—what is all this?”

The kitchen counters and all the accompanying appliances were a mess, strewn everywhere, food all over. But the dining table in front was perfectly neat and beautiful, with several fancy looking and heavenly smelling dishes spread out. There were two plates on opposite ends, and in the middle of the table, there were unlit candles and a small vase of flowers. The last time he had been here, not too long ago, nothing was on the table. Adam noticed, too, with a startle, that the lighting was different; dimmer, more… romantic?

Adam stared at Ronan, waiting for an answer. Ronan was very pointedly not looking at him. Instead, he muttered, “Shit, I forgot to light the candles,” and, leaving a baffled Adam standing in the doorway to the room, Ronan took out matches from a drawer and lit the candles on the table.

Adam walked over to the table. Ronan was still not looking at him, looking down and chewing on his leather bands instead. “Ronan. What is this?”

Ronan finally looked up. The lighting was dim, but not so dim that he couldn’t see the beautiful, red flush that spread across Ronan’s cheeks and up to his ears. He coughed, once. Then, finally spoke, “I… well, I just wanted to,” his hand ran over his shaved head, “You know, today is…” Ronan trailed off, looking at him, almost expectantly.

Adam frowned. “What?”

Ronan brought his wrist back up to his mouth, chewing on the bands even more savagely. His voice was slightly muffled when he said, “It’s. You know. We… we’ve been dating for… for a month. Today. Officially.” His cheeks flushed even darker.

Adam was speechless, for a moment. Then he said, slowly, “Oh… right. I guess so.” Adam hadn’t remembered. Adam hadn’t even thought about it. He didn’t think he needed to.

Ronan cleared his throat, shuffling awkwardly, “Right. So. I wanted to…,” but he trailed off again, apparently unable to finish his thought, and looked down again. 

Adam was still in shock. “So you… you prepared a… a one month… anniversary dinner?” The words sounded wrong in his mouth.

The truth was, he and Ronan hadn’t really gone on a _date_. They hadn’t done anything fancy once they got together, nothing that was out of the norm for them, except making out a lot more. Their “dates” consisted of drives out to nowhere, to the Barns, to Cabeswater; of studying together at St. Agnes and lying together in Ronan’s room at Monmouth. Adam hadn’t questioned it. It felt natural, it felt like _them_. Adam hadn’t expected any romantic dates or big gestures from Ronan. Apparently, he didn’t know Ronan as well as he thought he did. 

Ronan looked like he wanted to crawl out of his skin. “I… I guess, yeah. I just thought. I dunno. It’d be…” He took a deep breath. “Is it – do you not – is it too much, or…?”

At once, Adam felt his heart surging, and he wanted nothing more than to take a step forward and kiss Ronan until neither of them could breathe. He forced himself to stay still, and he shook his head. “No, god, Ronan, it’s… you _cooked_ all of this?” Adam stared at the delicious looking food in front of him – a fancy looking salad, pasta in a pink sauce, eggplant parmesan, something else that didn’t Adam was sure he hadn’t even seen before. 

Ronan snorted and glared at him, looking more like himself, “Yes, Parrish, believe it or not, I can actually do something besides drive cars and dream bullshit.”

Adam didn’t say anything, so Ronan went on after a bit, his voice quiet. “It’s my mom’s recipes. She used to make all the time, and I’d watch her, sometimes help out. I had never actually tried it on my own, though, so it took a few tries to get it right, but…” Ronan shrugged.

“A few -- how long did it take you?”

Ronan shrugged again, evasive. Adam raised his eyebrow. “Spill it, Lynch.”

Ronan sighed, looking at the ground again. “I tried it once or twice a few days ago. And today, I’ve been here since… fuck, I don’t know. I came straight from school.”

Adam gaped again. This time, he couldn’t stop himself. He lunged and threw himself on Ronan, kissing him with a fierceness that surprised the both of them. Ronan groaned against his lips, and after a few moments, when he tried to break away to catch his breath, Adam attacked him again, refusing to let go. Ronan laughed against his lips and tried to pull away again. “Calm down, Parrish. Let me fucking breathe.”

Adam pulled back, his hands around Ronan’s neck. “Do I have to?” 

“Just until after dinner. The food’s going to get cold.”

Adam couldn’t stop smiling. “Who knew Ronan Lynch was such a romantic?” 

Ronan scowled, flushing again. “Fuck off, I am not.” 

“You definitely are. It’s pretty adorable.”

Ronan sputtered. “Don’t – you – I’m not fucking _adorable_.” Adam opened his mouth to protest but Ronan cut him off. “Now sit down and eat the fucking food before I start to regret this whole night.”

Adam pulled away, but the grin stayed on his face. “Whatever you say, Romeo.” He pulled up a chair and sat down, ignoring the murderous look Ronan was giving him. 

“Asshole,” Ronan muttered, but sat down in the chair across from him. 

Adam stared at all the food in front of him, unsure what to dig into first. It all looked so amazing. 

“If you’re expecting me to serve you, Parrish, think again.”

Adam rolled his eyes. “I’m not, dumbass. I’m just… it all looks so good.”

“Well, try it before saying anything else. It might not be edible.” Ronan’s tone was joking, but Adam could hear the hidden insecurity in his voice. 

Adam smiled at him, a real, sincere smile, and took a bit of everything in his plate. Ronan did the same, after a moment.

Adam took his time trying everything, relishing in the taste. He had never thought Ronan Lynch of all people would be an amazing cook, but here he was.

Ronan was staring at him, not having touched his own food, waiting nervously. After minutes of silence, Ronan snapped impatiently, “Well?”

Adam pretended to think. “Well, it’s definitely edible.”

Ronan’s face fell, just slightly. “Well, I’m sure I can get it better next time… I mean, it’ll never be as good as my mom’s but—“

Adam kicked Ronan’s foot under the table, gently. “Relax, Lynch. I’m kidding. It’s amazing. Seriously.”

Ronan glowered at him. “You’re an asshole.” 

“Yeah, well.” Adam took another bite of the pasta, and a pleased sigh left his lips. “Really, though. I can’t remember the last time I had food this incredible. I haven’t tasted your mom’s, but I can’t imagine anything being better than this.” 

Ronan ducked his head, but not before Adam saw his cheeks turn red and a small smile start to form on his lips. His voice was nonchalant as he said, “Glad you like it. Now eat up. Your skinny ass needs all the food it can get.” 

Adam stuck his tongue out at him. They ate in comfortable silence, for a while. Adam hesitated. “I’m sorry.” 

Ronan looked up, confused. “About what?”

“For not remembering. That today is… you know.”

“It’s not a big deal, Parrish.”

“It is, though. I mean you did all this and I…” Adam swallowed, trying to get rid of the lump in his throat. The sudden amount of affection for this boy in front of him hit Adam like a brick, and he almost felt like he couldn’t breathe. He tried to steady himself.

Ronan frowned, noticing the change, and reached over to put his hand over Adam’s. “Adam, it’s okay. I didn’t expect anything. I just wanted to… to show you that… Look, it doesn’t matter. I’m just glad you’re here, okay?” 

Adam wasn’t entirely convinced, but he squeezed Ronan’s hand anyways. “Yeah, okay.”

After finishing dinner, they had dessert. Adam didn’t think he had ever tasted chocolate cake this heavenly. 

After dessert, they went to the living room (which had equally dim, romantic lighting, Adam noted) and lay on the couch, Ronan leaning against the headrest and Adam half on top of him with his head lying on Ronan’s chest. Ronan’s arm wrapped around Adam’s waist, holding him close. They didn’t speak for a while, but Adam didn’t mind. He was content just listening to sound of Ronan’s breath, his inhales and exhales turning into song that Adam never wanted to forget. His eyes slowly fluttered shut. 

When he opened them again, he startled, realizing he had dozed off. He rubbed his eyes. “Fuck, sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep on you.” 

Adam could feel Ronan’s smile against his hair. “Relax, Parrish. You only dozed off for like twenty minutes.”

“You could have woken me.” 

“Why would I have? You look adorable while sleeping. Especially when you drool.” Adam was about to protest, but Ronan continued, “I know you must be tired from work, anyways. It’s okay if you want to go to sleep. I’ll clean up in the kitchen.”

Something tightened in Adam’s chest again, and he burrowed his face into Ronan’s chest, trying to snuggle closer, even though they were as close as they could possibly be. He pressed a kiss into Ronan’s neck. “Don’t be stupid. I’m not sleeping.”

Ronan shrugged. “Your call.” 

After a few minutes of silence, Adam finally spoke. “Ronan?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks.” 

“For what?” 

“For tonight. And… for everything, I guess.” 

Ronan’s voice was soft. “Yeah, whatever, man.” 

Adam took Ronan’s hand in his own, the one that wasn’t around Adam’s waist, and twined their fingers together. “I mean it. This was… you are… amazing.”

Ronan didn’t say anything, but he kissed the top of Adam’s head, his breath ghosting over Adam’s hair. 

Adam lifted his head up, leaned over Ronan, so his face was right above his. Ronan took his hand out of Adam’s and brought it up to Adam’s face, touching it gently, his fingers grazing over his cheek, moving down to his lips, up to his eyebrows. There was something in Ronan’s eyes as he looked at Adam, something that made Adam’s heart beat faster and his face heat up. The way his gaze bore into Adam, he had the urge to look away, self-conscious. 

“What? Why’re you looking at me like that?” 

Ronan’s hand moved down to his neck, cupping his jaw. His voice was distant and faraway when he said, “Sometimes I still can’t believe this is real. I’m scared I’ll wake up.”

Adam’s voice caught in his throat. He kissed Ronan gently, softly, trying to convey all the things he couldn’t say into the kiss. Then, after a beat, he asked. “You dreamt of this?” Adam had assumed Ronan had, and sometimes there had been passing comments referencing that he had, but they hadn’t actually _talked_ about it. 

Ronan swallowed audibly. “Of course I did, Parrish. Almost… almost every night.” He looked embarrassed by the confession, and Adam grinned, leaning in to kiss him again.

“So,” Adam whispered against Ronan’s lips, “What exactly happened in those dreams?” 

Ronan was blushing furiously. “Fuck off, I’m not telling you anything.”

Adam laughed. “Come on.” Then he frowned. “If the dream version of me has had sex with you before I do, I’m going to have to have a talk with him.” 

Ronan winced. “I—no, it never. We never… I woke up before it got that far.”

Adam’s voice was quiet. “Oh.” Then, “But you did… dream about it….” 

Ronan let out a frustrated groan. “Yeah, Parrish, I fucking dreamed about it, can we move on to a less embarrassing subject now?” 

Adam smiled. “You dreamed about it _almost every night_ , huh?"

“No, god, it wasn’t always like that. It usually wasn’t. Most of the time it was just… this. Us. Just, together. And then I would…” Ronan stopped.

Adam raised his eyebrows, and said lightly, casually, “Care to demonstrate, Lynch?”

Ronan sucked in a breath. Without warning, he moved out from under Adam and was suddenly on top of him. The couch was big enough that it wasn’t too difficult to accomplish.

There it was, that look again, burning and intense and _so much_ in Ronan’s eyes. Adam swallowed, adjusted his head on the couch so he was more comfortable. Then he lifted his right hand to touch Ronan’s cheek, but Ronan caught his wrist as he was doing so, and brought Adam’s palm to his lips. He kissed the top of each finger, his lips just barely touching skin, and moved his lips down to the middle of his palm, then his wrist. His eyes never left Adam’s. 

Adam didn’t know what to do, so he just stared back, overwhelmed, wondering if Ronan had rubbed off on him and if he was actually dreaming. 

Ronan curled his hand into a fist and kissed his knuckles, and Adam let out a helpless sigh. “Ronan…” His voice was hoarse, but not with desire. It was something else. Something inside him that he couldn’t describe.

“You asked me to demonstrate, Parrish.”

“Right. Well then, go on.”

Ronan smiled against his knuckles, and brought his face down to Adam’s lips, twining their fingers together. After a quick peck on his lips, his lips moved to Adam’s chin, his jaw, his neck, his shoulders. Adam let out a mildly embarrassing sound. He felt Ronan left his shirt up from the waist, just slightly, so his stomach was exposed, and Ronan’s lips brushed his belly button, kissed a line across his stomach. For a moment, Adam thought he was going to go lower, and he wasn’t sure if he relieved or disappointed when he didn’t. Ronan’s lips went back to his face instead, to Adam’s forehead, his eyebrows, his closed eyelids, his cheeks, his freckles, his nose, and stopped with his lips just a hair away from Adam’s, their breaths mingling, foreheads touching. Ronan looked him in the eyes and whispered softly, “This is what most of my dreams were like.” 

Adam’s eyes widened and when he tried to say something, anything, nothing came out but air. Then, “And you said you weren’t a romantic.” His tried to keep his voice casual, but failed. 

Ronan groaned. “Don’t ruin the moment, Parrish.”

His voice was quiet when he said, “I still don’t understand why you picked me, of all people.” Adam had gotten better at it, little by little, better at accepting Ronan’s affection, sometimes even let himself believe that he _was_ truly worthy, that maybe he did deserve this. But Ronan’s lips, the way he had just kissed him, not out of desire or lust, but each kiss a prayer instead, a litany, and the way he said _this is what my dreams were like_ , his voice filled with reverence, with worship, as if he was speaking to his God – it had undone Adam. He couldn’t take it, whatever all of that was. He could never be worthy of that. It was too much.

Ronan’s expression was confused. “What are you talking about?” 

“I mean why… why’d you pick me to, to have a crush on?” 

Ronan’s face did something complicated when Adam said _crush_ , and he interrupted with, “Parrish—“

Adam ignored him. “Why not Gansey, or, Noah, I’m sure even a ghost is a better deal than I am. Hell, I’m sure Tad Carruthers would love to—“

“ _Adam_ ,” Ronan said, and something in his voice made Adam stop rambling. “I didn’t fucking _pick_ you, okay? You’re not something I picked from a fucking list of contestants. You were the only goddamn option. No one else even crossed my fucking mind. No one else could ever compare.”

Adam froze, then, stopped breathing, couldn’t breathe, and when he finally did, everything came out at once and then he couldn’t stop himself and he said _it_.

Ronan’s face was as shocked as he’d ever seen it. He was completely still, his mouth parted in an “O”. “I… what did you say?” Ronan’s voice cracked, rough and full of _something_.

Regret came crashing down on Adam all at once. _I fucked up. I fucked up. I fucked up. I ruined everything_. “Fuck, I didn’t – I’m sorry, I didn’t. I didn’t mean to. It just came out. I didn’t mean it. Sorry.” Adam babbled helplessly, trying to fix his mistake. This was why he didn’t do spontaneity. This was why he planned everything.

Ronan’s face suddenly switched from shock and wonder to something completely closed off, neutral. Adam stared, confused at the change, waiting for him to react. For a moment, there was only silence. Then, Ronan said, slowly, “Okay.”

Adam wasn’t expecting that. “Okay?”

“Yeah.” Then he got off of Adam and stood up, quickly, swiftly. “I should go clean up the kitchen.” Adam’s head was swimming. _He’s upset. I fucked up._ Ronan didn’t care about cleaning the kitchen. He would’ve left everything as it was for a month before someone else bothered to clean it up, probably. 

“I can help,” Adam offered. 

Ronan shook his head. “You’re tired. You should sleep.”

Adam unsuccessfully tried to keep the hurt out of his voice. “I think… I might just drive back to the church. I have work early in the morning.” It was a lie, and they both knew it. Adam’s shift didn’t start until later in the day.

Ronan’s mouth tightened, he nodded once, stiffly. “Yeah. Alright. Whatever, Parrish”

Adam fidgeted nervously. “Well. Thanks for this. See you tomorrow.” He bolted out of the room and the house without waiting for Ronan’s answer. The drive back to the church was torturous.

Adam hardly slept all night. The words kept replaying in his head. _I love you. I love you. I love you._

 

*

 

Adam avoided Ronan as much as he could, after that, and the next few days felt strangely reminiscent of how it was the week after they had first kissed.

Ronan didn’t come over to his apartment. Adam didn’t go over to Monmouth unless the five of them were hanging out together. Adam avoided Ronan’s eyes whenever they were in the same room, and Ronan did the same. 

Adam felt miserable. It’s not that he didn’t mean what he said; as soon as the words had left his mouth, he knew they were true. But he hadn’t planned to say them. He hadn’t even thought them, up until then. It was like they were ripped from his throat.

Ronan hadn’t said it back. He hadn’t said it back and he’d been angry, he’d been upset. His eyes had been cold.

That night, cooking for him, holding him, peppering kisses all over his body, Ronan had made him feel _known_ , made him feel like he belonged. But then it all came crashing down, because Adam had said too much, it was too far, and Ronan didn’t want him anymore, maybe he had never truly wanted him, and had only just realized it when Adam blurted out those three awful words. All his former insecurities came back instantly – they were never truly gone, they were just dulled for a while, as he was lulled into a false sense of security – and they hit him a hundred times more painfully than they ever had before. 

Because he was in love with Ronan Lynch, and now he knew that Ronan Lynch didn’t love him back.

How had he ever thought he was wantable, worthy? Ronan was simply infatuated with him for some unknown reason. It was just shallow attraction, and once Ronan actually had him, once he actually began to _know_ him, he realized. He realized what Adam truly was, and that he really didn’t want him at all. That he wasn’t worth wanting.

Adam supposed he couldn’t blame him.

 

*

 

Four nights later, Blue Sargent came knocking on his apartment door. “Adam Parrish, open this door right now.”

When Blue entered the apartment, her face was stern. “You didn’t come to Monmouth tonight.”

Adam sighed. “Gansey sent you, didn’t he? I had homework. I told him."

Blue gave him a knowing look. “Right, well, it’s a shame, truly. We had pizza. Gansey talked about Glendower and we pretended to listen. I think Gansey realized how bored we all were, though, when Noah actually started to doze off, and he’s a ghost who doesn’t sleep.”

“Well, that sounds great, but—“

“And,” Blue continued, ignoring him. “Ronan moped the entire time. Like, the entire time. Angry moping. He was an even bigger asshole than usual. But, of course, that’s been his general attitude since, like, Saturday.”

Adam didn’t meet Blue’s eyes. He walked over to his mattress and sat down, and Blue joined him a moment later. Her voice was light when she asked, “You wouldn’t happen to know the cause of Ronan’s ugly behavior the past few days, now would you?”

Adam looked at her, finally. He hadn’t talked about _this_ with Blue extensively. It had just been a quick, whispered, “I’m happy for you two, you know,” while the gang was at 300 Fox Way, and Adam had smiled at her, and Blue smiled back, her genuine delight about him and Ronan plastered all over her face.

And yet, he found that there was no one else he felt more comfortable talking about this to, for some reason. He took a deep breath. “I told him I loved him.” 

Blue didn’t say anything. It seemed that she was waiting, her gaze meaningful. Adam continued, “And… he didn’t say it back.” 

Blue’s expression was confused, now. “He didn’t? Are you… sure?” She sounded baffled. Like what Adam said didn’t compute. Like he was speaking a foreign language.

Adam gave her a look. “Pretty damn sure, yeah.” He sighed. “I didn’t… It’s not like I needed for him to say it back. Hell, I hadn’t even planned to say it at all. It just _came out_. But then, I dunno, I figured that I fucked up, and his face was just… upset. And it seemed like he was mad and then I left and he’s barely spoken to me since and… I don’t know. God, I don’t know.”

Blue’s expression was thoughtful. “Adam, I don’t think Ronan Lynch of all people would’ve made you a romantic candlelight dinner for your one month dating anniversary if he wasn’t head over heels in love with you.”

Adam scoffed, but his ears turned pink. “Maybe he thought he was. But then I said it, and it got too real, and he realized that this wasn’t what he wanted.”

“Maybe. Or maybe you’re just being an idiot who should go and actually talk to your equally idiotic boyfriend. Communication is an important part of relationships, they say.”

“I did communicate. He didn’t like what I had to say.”

Blue rolled her eyes. “You are such a drama queen. Get out of your own head, Parrish. That’s not true, and you know it.”

Adam looked at her doubtfully.

“And, for the record, that asshole is definitely in love with you. It’s one of his few redeeming qualities. I mean, anyone would be, with your movie star good looks and charming accent.”

Adam gave her a pointed look, and said, drily, “Anyone, huh? You weren’t.”

“Oh, shut up. You know what I meant. Don’t ruin my uplifting pep talk.” Blue paused. “You know, I may not have fallen in love with you, but I do love you. Despite you being absolutely _infuriating_ at times.”

Adam smiled at her, his heart seeming to grow bigger in his chest, and she laid her head on his shoulder. This was good, whatever new understanding they had reached between them. They weren’t meant to be, they never had been. Adam knew that. But it was okay, because Adam loved this Blue Sargent, fierce and short and eccentric and stubborn and so uniquely herself. Blue Sargent, one of his best friends, who knew him better than he wanted to admit.

He let his head lean into hers, grinning into her hair. “Yeah, I know. Love you too.” 

Blue made an approving noise. They sat like that, for a few minutes. Then Blue lifted her head off of his shoulder and stood up. “It’s late, I should get going. I expect you two lovebirds will be all gross and sappy again by tomorrow.”

Adam stood up too, rolling his eyes. “Keep dreaming.”

Blue glared at him. “I mean it, Adam Parrish. If Ronan isn’t out of his awful mood soon, I’m going to have to kill him, so make your choice. You face your fears or I murder your dickhead of a boyfriend.” Adam just raised his eyebrows and ruffled her hair. Blue scowled. “Just because I’m almost a foot shorter than you doesn’t mean you can—" 

Adam couldn’t keep the grin out of his voice. “See you tomorrow, Blue.”

“See you tomorrow, asshole.”

 

*

 

After Blue left, Adam paced. Then he sat down on his bed. Then he paced some more. Then he got in his shitty car and drove to Monmouth.

When Gansey opened the door, he looked relieved. “He’s in his room,” he said, as a way of greeting.

Adam stepped inside, shuffled awkwardly. “Right. Thanks." 

Gansey hesitated. “Are you… Are you two going to be okay?”

Adam didn’t meet his eyes. “I don’t know. I hope so.” Gansey nodded, and went into the kitchen-bathroom.

Adam walked over to Ronan’s room, took a deep breath, and knocked. “Hey,” he said, his voice soft. He half hoped Ronan didn’t hear him and he could just leave. “Can I come in?” 

For a moment, there was nothing. Then, “It’s a free country, Parrish.”

Ronan was sitting on his bed when he entered, much like he had the night they’d kissed again. He didn’t look at Adam as he walked over to the bed and sat beside him. “Hey,” Adam said, again, unsure of how to start.

There was an edge to Ronan’s voice. “So you’ve decided you can actually bear to be around me now?”

Adam flushed. “What do you mean?”

“Cut the crap, Adam. You’ve been avoiding me since… since Friday.”

He couldn’t help but feel defensive. “You’ve been avoiding me, too!”

Ronan’s voice was acidic. “And you really blame me for that?”

Adam’s face fell. He sighed, looking down at his hands. “No. No, I don’t.” Ronan didn’t reply for a few moments, so he went on. “Look, I’m sorry, okay? I know I fucked up and ruined this… I just. I spoke without thinking and it’s… it’s understandable that it was too much. I don’t blame you for not saying it back. Or being angry. Or… well, if you realized that you don’t really want me after all, I wouldn’t blame you for that, either.”

Ronan was very, very still. Adam stopped breathing, waiting for him to say something. “Parrish,” he said finally. “What the actual fuck are you going on about?”

 “I—what?”

“That’s what I’m asking _you_.”

Adam felt helpless, confused, disoriented. He wanted to take a nap. “I thought…. I thought you were mad. Because, because of, you know. What I said. And it’s okay if you don’t feel it back, I’ll just--”

Ronan was staring at him like he had two heads. His hands were clenched into fists. “You. Are. A. Goddamn. Motherfucking. _Idiot_.” Then he stood up, and started pacing the room, leaving Adam bewildered. “You think I don’t _feel it back?_ That I was _angry_ that you told me you loved me? What the fuck, Parrish? Do you know me at all?”

“I—“ 

“I mean, what part of _no one else could ever compare_ didn’t you understand? Did you not hear me? Because I’m pretty sure I said it into your right ear. I mean, Jesus fuck, Adam!”

Adam was just staring at Ronan pace around the room like madman, his voice getting more hysterical by the second. Adam had no idea what to say. He still didn’t understand.

Ronan finally stopped pacing, stopping directly in front of Adam. “Parrish, listen up, okay? Actually fucking hear me, for once. Of course I fucking love you. I’ve been hopelessly in love with you for a _goddamn_ _year_. Even longer than that, maybe. I meant it when I said there was no other option. It’s only ever fucking been you. Just you.”

Adam continued staring, still speechless. Ronan’s words rang in his ears. _Hopelessly in love with you. It’s only ever been you. Just you._ After a few seconds, he forced himself to get it together and said, his voice shaking, disbelieving, “Then why… why were you angry after I said it?” 

Ronan ran a hand over his head, and moved closer. Adam shifted to his right so Ronan could sit back on the bed next to him. Their shoulders brushed, and it was ridiculous that Adam felt butterflies in his stomach just from that, after everything that had happened between then, but there it was. “I wasn’t upset that you said it. I was upset that you took it back.”

“I didn’t—“

“Just, let me finish, okay? I’ve… god, I’ve wanted you for so long. Almost ever since I met you. And it fucking _hurt_ all the time, because I _never_ thought you could want me back, ever. And then you did. And then I thought, this wasn’t to you what it was to me. That you would never really, truly…,” Ronan took a deep breath, his voice shaking. “And then you told me you loved me, and I was fucking gone. I never in a million years could have imagined that those words would come out of your mouth. And then… and then you said you didn’t really mean it.” The hurt was palpable in Ronan’s voice. He didn’t even try to hide it like he usually did. Adam opened his mouth, but Ronan kept going. “You said everything I’ve ever wanted to hear you say and then you just… you _took it back_. And then you just fucking _left_ and didn’t speak to me for four days. I mean, jesus, Parrish, what the fuck was I supposed to do with that?” 

_It’s only ever been you. Just you._

Adam reached for Ronan’s hand and squeezed it. Fuck. He couldn’t believe how badly he had misunderstood the whole situation. “Ronan, look at me.” Ronan did. His eyes were more vulnerable and afraid than Adam had ever seen them. “I meant what I said. I didn’t mean to _say_ it, it just came out, and it surprised the hell out of me, but that doesn’t mean that I didn’t mean it. I only took it back because I… you didn’t say anything, and I started to panic, and I thought I said too much and that you didn’t feel it back, and then you looked mad and closed off and… I just thought that me telling you made you realize that you didn’t want me after all.”

Ronan’s voice was hoarse when he said, “Adam. There isn’t a single universe that exists in which I wouldn’t want you.” Something caught inside Adam. _Just you_. “I didn’t say anything because I was shocked out of my mind. And then, well, you know what happened.” 

Adam sighed, leaning his head back against the wall. “We’re really great at this communication thing, aren’t we?”

Ronan grinned. “The fucking greatest, obviously.”

Adam cleared his throat. “So. You’ve been _hopelessly_ in love with me for a year, huh?”

Ronan blushed a deep red, and Adam thought nothing had ever been more beautiful. “Fuck off,” he said, but he was laughing.

“Did you, like, doodle _Mr. Ronan Parrish_ in your notebook all the time?” 

Ronan shoved his shoulder, lightly. There hands were still intertwined. “You are such an _asshole_. And if anything, it would be _Mr. Adam Lynch_ and you know it. Has a better ring to it.”

Adam mulled that over. “Well, you’re right about that. It does.” 

They stayed quiet for a moment, and then Adam turned his face to Ronan and looked at him. Ronan looked back. “Hey,” said Adam, his voice soft.

“Hey,” said Ronan, his voice even softer. Adam leaned to kiss him, long and deep. 

When they pulled apart, both breathing hard, foreheads touching, Adam whispered, “I love you.” He heard Ronan suck in a breath. 

“Say it again.” 

Adam smiled, and kissed his cheek, and whispered again, this time directly into his ear, “I love you.” And then, “Asshole.” 

Ronan laughed, real and loud and true, and it was the most wonderful sound Adam had ever heard. “I love you, too.” And then, ”Shithead.”

But Adam wasn’t done. He kissed Ronan again, pushing him down on the bed, placing himself on top of him. He remembered how Ronan had kissed him that night, the way he looked at him, like he was something to worship. He wanted to make Ronan feel the same way he had felt. 

So he traced his fingers over Ronan’s cheek, then touched his lips. Then he brought them to his shaved head, running through the short, prickly hairs. He heard Ronan gasp. This he kissed down Ronan’s jaw, his neck, his collarbone, whispering _I love you, I love you, I love you_ between each gentle kiss, and when his lips touched the tips of his tattoo, Ronan let out a sound that Adam wouldn’t forget for a while. He pulled back, his face probably entirely too smug. He was taken aback every time he managed to bring out such a reaction from Ronan. Adam still couldn’t believe the effect he had on him, sometimes.

Ronan’s face was flushed. “Oh, shut up.” Adam raised an eyebrow. Ronan groaned. “Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, we already covered the fact that I’m a fucking loser who’s hopelessly in love with your stubborn ass, now can you just—mmph!” Adam kissed him, again, this time harder, more heat put into it. Ronan’s hands tangled in his hair, and his tongue was hot and wanting in his mouth. Adam forced himself to pull away, and Ronan let out a whine. “Parrish, come on.”

Adam grinned, still smug. Ronan scowled, but his tone was affectionate. “You’re an asshole.”

“You said that already, shithead.” The other boy rolled his eyes. Adam was quiet for a moment, and then said, casually, “You’re not the only one, you know.”

“What?”

“You’re not the only one who’s a loser hopelessly in love.”

Ronan’s eyes shone, though they were still cautious. “No?”

Adam shook his head. “Nope. I’m pretty sure Gansey could qualify too, with the way he trails after Blue all day.”

Ronan glared at him. “You’re the fucking worst.”

Adam smiled, and kissed him again, just a soft peck on the lips. “Yeah, but you love me.” He kissed him again. God, he never wanted to stop kissing him. “And relax, Lynch. I meant me, obviously. Though I’ll deny it to anyone who asks. It’ll ruin my reputation.”

Ronan snorted. “ _Your_ reputation? Parrish, how do you think I feel? I’m supposed to be a badass intimidating punk. And then I see you and I just fucking…. _melt_. Jesus, you’re... You don’t even know.”

Adam felt his cheeks heat up. “Tell me, then.”

“I think I’ve humiliated myself enough for one day, Parrish. I’ll wax poetic about how fucking weak I am for you some other time – fuck off, don’t smirk at me like that – anyways, my infatuation is ruining my street cred. The people are gonna say that Ronan Lynch has gone soft.”

“Oh, please. You’ve always been soft.”

Ronan scoffed. “Have not.” 

“Says the guy who gave me fucking hand lotion and a mix tape. Seriously, we’re not in a 90s rom-com, Lynch.”

“You’re just proving my point. I was already in love with you by then.”

“If you want me to pull receipts further back than that, I can keep going. And if you want to go even farther than that, I’m sure I can ask Gansey—“ 

“Okay, Parrish, fine, I’m a big ol’ softie and the asshole thing is just an act to hide my inner angst and pain, happy? Now shut the fuck up and put your head on my goddamn chest already.”

Adam did. They lay there like that, for a while, Adam’s head on Ronan’s chest, listening to his heartbeat. Ronan’s hand playing with Adam’s hair, the other arm tight around his waist, holding him close, so close, and occasionally he pressed a kiss to Adam’s forehead, his hair, and Adam snuggled in closer and pressed a kiss to his chest, right over his heart.

“Ronan?” He was so warm. So comfortable.

“Mm?” He felt Ronan’s warm breath ghost over his hair.

“I don’t ever wanna get up from here.”

“Then don’t.” 

“Okay.”

Just as he was falling asleep, Adam thought this was the closest thing to happiness he’s ever known.

 

*

 

When Adam woke up the next morning, Ronan’s arms around him, he was disoriented. Then the events of last night came back to him, and he couldn’t stop himself from smiling wide. _I love you. It’s only ever been you. Just you_. 

He stared at the sleeping boy next to him. Ronan looked so innocent. So young. Adam couldn’t remember the last time he’d looked like that. He wanted to kiss him, but didn’t want to disturb his seemingly peaceful sleep. Careful not to wake Ronan up, he got out of the bed and stretched his stiff limbs. 

“Morning, sunshine.” Adam jumped. 

He turned around to find Ronan staring at him, a goofy smile on his face, his eyes still sleep heavy. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to wake you.” 

“I’ve been awake for a while.”

“Oh.” Adam looked around the messy room for his shoes, suddenly self-conscious.

He hadn’t noticed when Ronan had got up from the bed, but suddenly he felt arms snake around his waist from behind, and Ronan’s warm body pressed against his. 

Ronan’s breath tickled his hear. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Adam said back. His arms found Ronan’s on his torso.

Ronan kissed the nape of his neck, his shoulders, the side of his neck. Adam couldn’t stop himself for letting out a giggle. “That tickles, loser.”

In response, Ronan just kissed him more, his lips light and tickling him even more. Adam let out a helpless laugh again, “Ro-Ronan, stop, I’m r-really ticklish—“ Ronan knew how to kiss him there without making him burst into giggles, had done it many times before, so Adam knew he was doing this on purpose. 

Ronan finally stopped, pressing a final, non-ticklish kiss to his cheek, his arms wrapping even tighter around Adam. “I love it when you laugh like that, Parrish. You sound like a four year old boy.”

“I do _not_.”

“You do. And it’s really fucking cute.” Adam blushed, despite himself.

Adam leaned back into Ronan, and Ronan’s arms tightened even more, though Adam didn’t think they could get any closer. They stood like that, for a while, neither of them saying anything.

“Hey Adam?” He felt Ronan’s lips move against his ear.

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

Adam smiled. “Yeah. You too.”

 

*

 

When they both finally emerged from Ronan’s bedroom, surprisingly ahead of schedule for school, they found Gansey, Noah, and Blue all sitting on the couch.

Gansey looked up from his notebook. “Ready to go?” 

Ronan ignored him. “What are you doing here so early, Maggot?” 

“Just came to say hi before I left for school,” Blue said casually. “Also, Noah told me you two were in there all night, so I was wondering how the love confessions went.”

Ronan glared at Noah, but before he could pounce, Noah spoke up. “Oh, I can tell you all about that. They went something like this. _I’ve been in love with you since I met you, Adam_ ,” Noah said in a deep voice, presumably a godawful imitation of Ronan. Then, in a higher pitched, completely inaccurate version of Adam’s Henrietta accent, “I love you, Ronan. _Oh, say it again, Adam._ I love you. _Oh please, say it again._ I love—“

“NOAH,” Ronan bellowed, though it wasn’t nearly as scary with his face as red as a tomato. Adam was sure his matched. “I’m gonna fucking kill you.” Noah just cackled and started running.

“That’s right you little fucker, you better fucking run! I don’t care if you’re already dead, I’m going to kill you again!”

While Ronan chased Noah, Adam just stared at Blue and Gansey, blushing to the tips of his ears. They were smirking at him. He cleared his throat. “So, should we—“

“I love you, Adam,” Blue interrupted, in an even worse imitation of Ronan, her voice breathy and her face probably trying to do something like swooning.

“Oh, I love you _more_ , Ronan,” Gansey said, in possibly the absolute worst impersonation of Adam’s accent anyone had ever done, and that was saying a lot.

Adam groaned, flushing even deeper. Not them, too. “I hate you both,” he said, matter-of-factly. What he meant was, _I love you_ _assholes_. 

Gansey and Blue burst into laughter and what they meant was, _we love you too, shithead_.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on twitter @adamganseys and tumblr @lorelaiglmore. If there are any typos or mistakes or whatever throughout it, please do let me know! Any reviews and feedback would be really great.


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